We love that little struggle, don’t we? That added drama in our lives? Somehow, admittedly, it makes life a bit more colorful and interesting. Although it is a pain in the ass to deal with, at least I have something to deal with.
I haven’t written anything in the longest time, not even a letter to myself. A lot has just been going on and I’ve been putting everything else aside. Lots of good things. Lots of confusing things as well. Just like this is going to be. I’ll bet in a couple of months’ time I won’t understand this particular post looking back. I might not remember who I was talking about or what situation I was in. Nevertheless, here’s a quick glimpse.
Whenever I want to reach out, I catch myself. Why is it in the first place that I stopped? Not until I’m ready again. I can’t. I owe that to myself and everyone else you might involve. Yes, you. It’s always you involving other people in your mess and I don’t want to be a part of it. At least not now. It’s always you finding other people to keep yourself from dealing with you. You’ll have to deal with it eventually but you’re too much of a coward to go after what you really want. Oh, but in the first place, you haven’t even given much thought to that. Well, anyway. I’m going to take my time here. You won’t mind, I’m sure.
You’re a pleasant chat. In person you are kind of annoying, always blabbering about things that you’re doing. Oh if I had recorded our conversation and made you listen to it, I wish you’d realize that it was you talking the whole time. And then you say you had fun catching up. Well, it was fine, I guess. I think we’ll make good friends eventually. Just stop telling me to ask. I’ll ask if I have something that sparks my interest or curiosity. I would like to be your friend, yeah.
I’m so grateful to have you as a constant. But really, what are we doing? Where is this going? We know it isn’t going to work. Are we just prolonging the actual separation? Please don’t make a move yet. I’m not ready to watch that unfold.
Are you really distancing yourself from me? Why? I don’t understand. You won’t explain. Don’t leave me in that gray area of uncertainty.
As much as I love you both, I wish we were more entangled in each others’ lives. What’s going on with you?

We love that little struggle, don’t we? That added drama in our lives? Somehow, admittedly, it makes life a bit more colorful and interesting. Although it is a pain in the ass to deal with, at least I have something to deal with.

I haven’t written anything in the longest time, not even a letter to myself. A lot has just been going on and I’ve been putting everything else aside. Lots of good things. Lots of confusing things as well. Just like this is going to be. I’ll bet in a couple of months’ time I won’t understand this particular post looking back. I might not remember who I was talking about or what situation I was in. Nevertheless, here’s a quick glimpse.

  1. Whenever I want to reach out, I catch myself. Why is it in the first place that I stopped? Not until I’m ready again. I can’t. I owe that to myself and everyone else you might involve. Yes, you. It’s always you involving other people in your mess and I don’t want to be a part of it. At least not now. It’s always you finding other people to keep yourself from dealing with you. You’ll have to deal with it eventually but you’re too much of a coward to go after what you really want. Oh, but in the first place, you haven’t even given much thought to that. Well, anyway. I’m going to take my time here. You won’t mind, I’m sure.
  2. You’re a pleasant chat. In person you are kind of annoying, always blabbering about things that you’re doing. Oh if I had recorded our conversation and made you listen to it, I wish you’d realize that it was you talking the whole time. And then you say you had fun catching up. Well, it was fine, I guess. I think we’ll make good friends eventually. Just stop telling me to ask. I’ll ask if I have something that sparks my interest or curiosity. I would like to be your friend, yeah.
  3. I’m so grateful to have you as a constant. But really, what are we doing? Where is this going? We know it isn’t going to work. Are we just prolonging the actual separation? Please don’t make a move yet. I’m not ready to watch that unfold.
  4. Are you really distancing yourself from me? Why? I don’t understand. You won’t explain. Don’t leave me in that gray area of uncertainty.
  5. As much as I love you both, I wish we were more entangled in each others’ lives. What’s going on with you?

Dear friend,

I’m itching to go out on an adventure with a small group of people and just relax. Go out without any motives- just to see the world. I want so badly to explore. I want, like so many others, to experience the wonders of the millions of cultures and sub-cultures of the world, see the millions of colors and works of art in all its shapes and sizes.

I sincerely hope that on the last days of my existence in this limited world that I can look back fondly on the short-lived days I’ve spent not merely as an unborn soul wandering about the universe but as a living, feeling thing on this planet.

If for reasons which I could not avoid in my short-lived stay I was not able to see the beauty offered by this world, it is my sincere request that my remains have the opportunity to do such through the efforts of those whom I have had the pleasure of being loved by.

Always,
Nina